Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
