I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
