she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Vodka?
Forever.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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