my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
