If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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