so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
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Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
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My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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