he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The ass gains better be worth it
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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