meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
