Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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