I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
