I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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