he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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