bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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