wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
