she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
