My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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