Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I stole a fireplace last night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
