When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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