My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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