Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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