your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
