Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
