Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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