Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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