I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
