My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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