Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
