Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
