I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
