gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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