How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
