I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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