You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
