is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
