My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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