I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
