dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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