i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
