When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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