I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
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Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
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your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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