WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Sober January is a disaster.
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How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
it's like heaven, but drunker
She told me I should be a condom model.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
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Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out