you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.