We got so high we made milksteak
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
