I am in a vortex of obligation.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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