I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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