Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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