I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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