Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm too high and old for this...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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