So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
