i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
