I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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