The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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