dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Houston, we have a blender
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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