I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
