I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
