I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
